Domestic Violence: Not a Private Matter

October 7, 2004

By L. Sloane Winkes, M.D.

We hear a lot about Domestic Violence (DV) in the media – Tacoma police chief David Brame shot and killed his wife; her husband may have killed Laci Peterson. When cases like these are on television, it can seem domestic violence is something happening privately in other people’s homes, not in our own neighborhoods. It is an isolated terrible event where someone loses control and kills their spouse or partner. However, this hides what is really happening to millions of women and men every day, in many homes and every neighborhood.
Domestic violence is not a single event or one violent incident. Rather it is a pattern of controlling behaviors one intimate partner does to another to establish and maintain power and control. An intimate partner can be a boyfriend, husband, wife, lover, ex-boyfriend, etc. In statistics of domestic violence, victims are usually referred to as women and the batterers as men, because 95% of the time this is the case. However, men can be victims of domestic violence and domestic violence occurs with equal rates in same-sex relationships.
Domestic violence is the leading cause of injury to women. It happens to between two and four million women each year. In the United States, one in three women have experienced domestic violence in her life. Abuse often begins or worsens during pregnancy, with one in six pregnant women being abused. Children also suffer terrible consequences of domestic violence, as witnesses or as victims. Domestic violence occurs in one in four American families with three to ten million children witnessing domestic violence each year. 50-70% of men who frequently beat their wives also frequently hit their children.
There are many kinds of domestic violence. Physical and sexual abuse frequently occurs in violent relationships. For many women the physical abuse may actually be the least harmful. It is often more difficult to heal from the scars of emotional abuse. Verbal and emotional abuse can cripple by destroying self-esteem with humiliation, constant criticism, and threats. Threats often include destruction of property or pets, killing her or the children, or abusing children. Abusers may completely isolate the victim from friends and family, even not allowing her to use the phone or leave the house without him. He may control her access to money, transportation, health care, food, clothing, and shelter. These restrictions imprison the woman, especially when accompanied with threats of further abuse or death.
The above description is usually part of a cycle of violence. Most relationships don’t start out that way. The cycle may start with subtle insults like, “you’re so stupid” or threats like “if dinner’s not ready when I get home I’ll break every dish in the house.” These escalate to more abusive insults or threats, like slamming his fist against the wall next to her head or waving a gun saying, “you know what will happen if you ever try to leave me”. This creates a setting of tension and fear from which a violent episode usually erupts. Afterwards, many batterers return full of apologies, bringing flowers, and promises never to hit again. A honeymoon period begins when the victim becomes hopeful it really won’t happen again. If only they can do things right this time, they can change him or prevent the anger and violence. But here’s the thing about domestic violence, it is not anything that the victim has done to provoke or deserve the violent response and there is nothing she can do to change the abuser’s violent behavior. It is about an abuser’s need for power and control. It is important to understand that DV will not go away or simply end. In fact, without intervention, it will increase in frequency and severity over time.
Who can be a victim? Anyone. Studies show domestic violence is a problem that cuts across all lines of society affecting every race, ethnicity, age, sexual orientation, and socio-economic level. In the same way that there is no typical victim of domestic violence, there are also no typical batterers. They are any age, race, or socioeconomic status. However, since violence is a learned behavior, one risk factor for being a batterer is having witnessed abuse in the family as a child.
“Why doesn’t she just leave?” This is one of the most frequently asked questions. There are good reasons women don’t leave. They may be completely dependent on their batterer for money or housing. (50% of homeless women and children are fleeing domestic violence.) He may have threatened to kill her or the children if she leaves. (One of the most dangerous times for victims of abuse is leaving. In fact, most women who are killed by their abusers are killed when trying to leave.) She may have cultural or religious values that keep her in a violent relationship. And, having children to care for can make leaving the relationship even more difficult. However, 40 to 70% of women do eventually leave violent relationships to create safer lives for themselves and their children.
If she does find the courage to leave, where can she go? Where can she get help? Women living in violent relationships should know they are not alone. There is help available. Domestic violence is a crime and the police should be called in any case of injury or threats of injury. In Snohomish County, the Center for Battered Women offers free, confidential, 24-hour services with shelter, support groups, and legal services. They can be reached at the hotline: 425-25-ABUSE (252-2873). The Washington State hotline is 800-562-6025 and the national hotline is 800-799-7233. Women should also feel safe talking with their health care providers about domestic violence. Many health care providers are trained to help women in violent relationships. Domestic violence is no longer a private matter; it is a major health problem that health care providers are concerned about. It is also a societal issue we should all be concerned about. October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month; please help break the silence around domestic violence. Help allow families to live free from violence.