Ask the Experts: Empty Nest? Spread Your Wings
 Emily Fischer, ARNP, Psychiatry Cascade Valley Smokey Point Clinic |
Q: My only child is leaving for college this year and I am already feeling very anxious and sad. It's such a happy, exciting time for her, why can't I be happy too?
A: Although empty nest syndrome has largely been debunked, you may experience some difficulty shifting from the hustle-bustle of life with teenagers to the relative quiet after they've flown the coop.
However, during this transition some parents:
- Worry they will lose touch with their children when they leave home.
- Are reluctant to move on with their lives if children don't do well on their own.
- Can't figure out how to fill time once dedicated to children.
It's important to realize many parents share your concerns and it's OK to feel blue. However, you'll be happy to learn many of your worries are unsubstantiated. Recently a number of psychologists learned that parents find the period brings increased satisfaction and improved relationships.*
Many parent-child relationships rally once children leave home, mostly due to the child's emerging adulthood and the absence of day-to-day stressors of living together. The connection often turns out to be more mature, emotionally meaningful and deeper. Plus keeping in touch is easier than ever with e-mail, instant messaging, cell phones, cheaper long-distance costs and lower airfares.
Opportunities Abound
One important aspect of successfully moving through this period is to embrace its opportunities. Parents can enjoy greater freedom, a reconnection with their partners and other family members, and more time to pursue postponed goals and interests.
Although you may want to keep your child's room just as it is, a more therapeutic response would be to reclaim the space to use for guests, the computer, hobbies, etc. This will reduce reminders your child isn't home and make a tangible statement you are embracing a new place in your life.
Other ways to get through this transition:
- Discuss your thoughts, feelings and plans with your partner.
- Seek advice and support from friends and family who've "been there, done that."
- Keep a journal, pray, meditate, or pursue other interests that bring your joy.
- Read books and articles about how others have weathered this period.
- Laught, joke and celebrate the experience of becoming someone other than who you've been all these years.
This is an exciting time for both you and your adult child. Remember, this is just another of those developmental tasks that occur throughout life. You've weathered going from infancy to childhood to adolescence to adulthood; this step is just another developmental task. It's normal and you'll make it through. Go through with grace. Be glad for an adventure.
If your feelings of sadness and loss last for more than six to 12 months, despite your efforts to work through them, or you feel overwhelmed, you may want to consult with a mental health professional.
*Source: American Psychology Association, www.apa.org/monitor.
Disclaimer: This information is provided for educational purposes only. It should not replace a visit with your health care professional. Call your doctor if you need more information or have additional questions.