Just for Her: Feeling Like the Filling?
Coping skills for the sandwich generation
| Family Caregiver Programs Serving Snohomish County |
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Easing the Transition
Multiple generations living together under one roof is common for families in many cultures. With our own parents living longer lives than in past generations, many of us find ourselves welcoming them into our homes while we are still raising our own kids. We are becoming known as the "sandwich generation." Many times we, as women, find ourselves feeling overwhelmed at being the primary caretakers of both. To make your caregiving relationship as positive as possible, you might want to consider the following steps:
- Plan ahead--Talk openly with your parent about his or her expectations and your capabilities before problems arise.
- Talk with your children--Having kids at home when your parent moves in adds another level of complexity to the situation. Ask them about their feelings and answer any questions about the new household dynamics. Be clear with everyone about who will be handling the discipline and the rule making in the household.
- Talk about finances--Identify your parent's financial resources and make sure he or she has adequate supplemental insurance to cover medical expenses that Medicare won't.
- Talk about end-of-life decisions--Be sure you understand your parent's preferences.
- Share you load--Discuss ways in which each family member can play a supportive role in caregiving.
- Seek outside resources--Contact elder-care agencies to identify local community services for older adults and for caregivers. (See sidebar.)
Adding extended family members to living situations requires patience, perseverance, and the acceptance of a change in lifestyle. The rewards can be endless.
The parent-child relationship
An interesting phenomenon can make living together somewhat difficult--it's called the parent-child relationship. No matter how old you are, your mom will always be your Mom, your dad will always be your Dad, and you will always be the child.
On some level, parents never stop being parents and kids never stop being kids. This can cause issues, particularly in terms of setting rules and making decisions. It is not uncommon for a power struggle to develop. As the dynamics change in your relationship with your parents, be flexible, patient, and willing to compromise. When problems arise, discuss them immediately. Don't make rash decisions and don't let the issues fester. Instead, think--and talk--things through as a family.
Making it work
All good things take time, and moving mom or dad into your home is no exception. The following ideas may help to create a warm, welcoming family environment:
- Don't treat your parent like a guest. Help your mom and dad become part of your family's daily life.
- Acknowledge limitations. Give your mom and dad household responsibilities that match their abilities and skill level. In whatever way they can, let your parent contribute.
- Build a relationship with your parent's doctor. Getting to know your mom or dad's physician or provider may help you better understand your parent's physical and emotional state.
- Respect privacy. Don't be overprotective. Everyone needs to enjoy some privacy and independence. Make sure they have their own living space, even if it's just a bedroom.
- Encourage your parent to stay socially active. Social connections are necessary for emotional and physical health. Help you mom or dad find entertaining and creative outlets.
- Hold regular family meetings to encourage communication. These meetings can help everyone by providing a forum to discuss their feelings and concerns.
- Ask for help when you need it. Recognize and respect your own limitations as a caregiver. Ask family, friends, or your parent's doctor for help.
- Take time for yourself. Let friends or relatives fill in for you from time to time so that you can tend to your own needs. This is essential to prevent burnout.
Perhaps the most important thing is to acknowledge that the situation will be stressful, particularly at first. However, with time, you and your parents can adapt into a very rewarding relationship.
Disclaimer: This information is provided for educational purposes only. It should not replace a visit with your health care professional. Call your doctor if you need more information or have additional questions.